The #1 Mistake You’re Making with Your Teen (And How to Fix It)
Parenting is tough— and when it comes to raising teenagers, the challenges can seem overwhelming. As parents, we’re driven by the desire to guide our teens into becoming responsible, kind, and successful adults. But what if I told you that the approach most of us take is actually the #1 mistake we’re making with our teens?
The Illusion of Control: Why It’s Hurting Your Relationship
You might think that as a parent, it’s your job to control your teen’s behavior, attitude, emotions, and decisions. It’s natural to believe that if you can just get them to do what you ask—whether it’s studying, doing chores, or showing respect—you’re doing a good job. But here’s the truth: Control is an illusion. You can influence your teen, but you can never truly control them.
Trying to control your teen often leads to resistance, talking back, and even disrespect. Why? Because no one, especially a teenager, wants to feel controlled. This constant power struggle not only damages your relationship but also erodes your ability to influence them when it really matters.
What You Can Control (and What You Can’t)
Understanding what you can and can’t control is key to improving your relationship with your teen:
What You Can Control: Your own thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
What Your Teen Controls: Their thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
The more you try to control your teen, the more likely they are to push back. Instead of creating a power struggle, focus on what you can control—your own reactions and how you choose to respond to your teen.
The Partnership Mindset: Shifting from Control to Influence
So, how do you move away from trying to control your teen and toward a more effective approach? Shift to a partnership mindset. Think of your relationship with your teen as a business transaction—one based on give and take, not on emotions or control.
Here’s how to do it:
Set Clear Expectations Together: Sit down with your teen and discuss what you both expect from each other. This isn’t about dictating rules but about creating mutual agreements. Ask your teen if they feel the expectations are reasonable, and be open to their feedback.
Treat It Like a Business Transaction: Once you’ve agreed on expectations, treat your interactions like a business deal. There’s no need for emotion—just a clear understanding of what’s expected and what the consequences are if those expectations aren’t met.
Negotiate and Compromise: Just like in any partnership, there needs to be room for negotiation. If your teen doesn’t agree with something, ask them why and work together to find a solution that satisfies both of you. This process builds trust and makes your teen more likely to follow through.
Agree on Consequences Together: Discuss what should happen if either of you doesn’t meet the agreed-upon expectations. This isn’t just about punishing your teen—it’s about showing that there are consequences for both sides if the partnership isn’t honored.
Why This Approach Works
When you stop trying to control your teen and start building a partnership with them, you’ll notice several positive changes:
Improved Communication: Your teen will feel heard and respected, making them more likely to come to you with their problems.
Increased Trust: By removing the power struggle, you create an environment where trust can flourish.
Greater Influence: With trust comes influence—your teen will be more open to your guidance when they need it most.
Conclusion: Build a Partnership, Not a Power Struggle
The #1 mistake parents make with their teens is trying to control them. By shifting your mindset to one of partnership rather than control, you’ll create a deeper, more connected relationship with your teen—one built on mutual respect and understanding.
If you found this article helpful, please share it with other parents who might benefit from it, and if you’re looking for more tips on navigating the teen years, be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel at Coach M - Certified Life Coach-Master NLP Trainer - YouTube.
