The Best Way to Get Your Teen to Listen to You: A Parent's Guide to Building Trust and Influence
Today, I want to dive into a topic that every parent of a teenager struggles with—getting your teen to actually listen to you. If you’ve been feeling like your words go in one ear and out the other, you’re not alone. But here’s the truth: the absolute BEST way to get your teen to listen is to let go of your need to control them.
Why Letting Go of Control is Key
I know what you might be thinking: "If I give up the little bit of control I have, my teen will never do anything they’re supposed to do! They won’t make good decisions, they won’t become responsible adults, and they’ll end up making poor choices that could ruin their future, right?" Wrong!
This type of thinking—which, let’s face it, every parent on the planet is guilty of—is actually what’s damaging your relationship with your teen. The reason they’re not listening to you in the first place is often because they’ve lost respect for you somewhere along the way.
Building Trust: The Foundation of Influence
Whether you believe it or not, YOU have the ability to be the greatest influence in your teen’s life—but only if they trust you enough to let you into their world. This means creating an environment where they feel safe talking to you about their struggles, the tough decisions they face, and the challenges they encounter.
If your teen has stopped talking to you, doesn’t listen, or won’t do what you ask, it’s likely because the trust between you has been broken. To rebuild this trust and regain your influence, you need to ask yourself a tough question: "Am I allowing my teen to have personal choice and control over their decisions and the consequences of those decisions?"
How to Give Control Back to Your Teen (While Setting Clear Expectations)
If you want your teen to start listening to you, you actually need to give control back to them—but within reasonable boundaries. Here’s how you can do it:
Get Their Buy-In: Start by explaining why each family member needs to contribute to the household. For example, if you want your teen to do the dishes, explain that you cooked the meal and are asking if they can please help out by doing the dishes.
Offer Choices: Give them options. Ask if they want to do the dishes now or in an hour, or if they’d prefer to clean a bathroom or handle another chore instead. Giving them choices makes them feel more in control.
Set Up Reminders: Once they’ve decided what they’re going to do and when, ask if they would like you to remind them or if they plan on setting a reminder for themselves. This empowers them to take responsibility.
Discuss Consequences: Gently ask what the consequence should be if they don’t follow through. If they’re unsure, offer potential consequences and let them choose one. This way, they’re more likely to honor their commitment.
Reinforce Trust: After the agreement is made, reinforce your trust in them by saying something like, “I’m confident in your integrity and I know you’ll do what you say you’re going to do.”
Follow Through: If they don’t do what they agreed to, put the consequence they chose into place. This isn’t about punishment—it’s about allowing the natural consequences of their choices to play out.
Why This Approach Works
By releasing control and giving it back to your teen, you empower them to take ownership of their actions. Over time, they’ll learn to honor their commitments and follow through on their responsibilities. Plus, when they recognize their own ability to solve problems, they’re more likely to make better decisions.
Increase Your Influence by Building Trust
Sometimes, we expect more from our teens than is realistic, wanting them to act as we would in certain situations. But remember—they are not us. If you’re constantly giving advice they didn’t ask for, you might find yourself being shut out of their world completely. It all comes back to trust. Do they trust you enough to let you in? If so, tread lightly so you don’t get shut out.
3 Steps to Increase Your Influence with Your Teen
Validate Their Feelings: Your teen is much more likely to listen to you if they feel understood. Resist the urge to lecture—reflect back what they’ve told you instead.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your teen to share their motivations by asking non-judgmental, open-ended questions that help them think critically about their decisions.
Reflect What They’re Saying: When your teen expresses frustration or disinterest, reflect back what they’ve said and gently offer a new perspective. For example, if they say, “I don’t care about learning algebra,” you might respond with, “So you don’t think algebra is important in the real world. Do you think it might be necessary to achieve your goal of becoming a graphic designer?”
Conclusion: Practice Makes Progress
This approach may be tough at first, especially if your usual way of communicating has been more about lecturing or giving unsolicited advice. But the more you practice shifting your communication style, the more likely it is that your teen will not only listen to you but will actually come to you for advice when they need it the most.
If you’re looking for more tips and strategies for navigating the teen years and building an incredible relationship with your teen, check out my other blog posts. And remember—trust yourself and be kind to yourself!
